As I was reflecting earlier this morning, I was brought back to a time in my life na lubog na lubog ako sa bisyo at addiction. After the death of my father, may panahon na running four days na akong walang tulog because of meth, I was high and ironically also down in every aspect of my being.
4 days na paikot-ikot with friends, nagsusugal sa casino, lalabas at titira nanamang muli, babalik sa casino..halos di kumakain. Tubig lang, Marlboro at V-Fresh, (doon ko napatunayan that if you chew that gum for more than 12 hrs, nagiging pulbos siya.)
Anyways, hindi ko alam na nagsusumamo na ang katawang lupa ko na magpahinga. I can perfectly remember na mayroong isang pagkakataon sa mga panahong yun, na gusto kong pababain ang tama ko. So, I smoked a joint, uminom ng isang litro ng RH at sa huling baso kasamang nilagok ang dalawang tabletas ng Decolgen. Humiga ako, tanghali na at sobrang init, nanonood ako ng isang sikat na noontime show noong mga panahong yun at nagbabakasakaling dalawin ng inaasam-asam na antok.
Naalala kong nakatutok ang aking attention sa T.V. At maya’t maya pa’y lumabas ang commercial ng isang sabon, at di ko namalayang pumikit ang aking mga mata..
Pag-gising ko, pakiramdam ko nakatulog ako ng napakatagal, akala ko kinabukasan na..I feel so rested and rejuvenated. Only to realize that I am still in the same position, ni hindi pa natapos yung patalastas na huling nakita ng aking mga mata bago ako panandaliang nakaidlip.
At that point, hindi ko alam kung ako ba ang nagsabi sa sarili ko o yung kinakausap kong sarili ko (nakikipagtalo nga pala ako sa sarili ko literally) narinig ko sa kaibuturan ng aking kaluluwa itong mga katagang..“malala ka na, wala ka ng pag-asa”.
Looking back, hindi ko mapigilang lumuha, araw-araw akong pinapaalalahanan ng Panginoon at ng Kaniyang gospel na sa kabila ng lahat ng aking kalapastanganan, binigyan Niya ako ng kapatawaran. Sa mga ginawa kong kabulastugan sa mga tao sa paligid ko at sa aking sarili..sa kabila ng aking tahasang rebelyon sa Diyos na lumalang ng lahat, sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon, sa mga panahong, hindi ako naniniwala sa Kaniya, wala akong pakialam sa Kaniya, hindi ko Siya hinahanap. He sought me. Ako’y Kaniyang pinili.
Up until now, I am suffering the effects and consequences of my rebellion both physically and mentally. But behind this continuous decline, my only comfort is Christ and what He has done for me, what He has accomplished for me, His love for me even while I am still a sinner and a rebel. I have my own “thorn in the flesh”, and I believe a lot of us do. Even in the reality that we are positionally in Christ, through His work on the cross, we were freed from the bondage of sin and death, but our “old taskmasters” still pursues and threatens us.
Objectively, we know we are united in Christ and that in Him there is now no more condemnation, but subjectively we still have the tendency to cling to ourselves and to the things of this world as our functional “Savior”, finding our identity and worth in anyone and anything apart from God.
But we are more than conquerors in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Now while writing this, I caught myself singing this hymn by Daniel Whittle.
“I know not why God’s wondrous grace
To me He hath made known,
Nor why, unworthy, Christ in love
Redeemed me for His own.
But “I know Whom I have believed,
And I’m persuaded that He is able
To keep that which I’ve committed
Unto Him against that day.”
Amidst the struggles, I fix my gaze to Christ, the author and perfecter of my faith. I am praying for healing, nevertheless His will be done.
Thank you Lord Jesus, in You, there is nothing that the resurrection cannot heal. I long to be in Your presence in the New Heavens and the New Earth.
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